So, for anyone who used to read this blog and for anyone who stumbles upon it, this blog was meant for writing and gathering feedback. Roughly four months ago I began November with a chip on my shoulder and the intent to write a novel in a month. Needless to say, I have failed.

I tried everything I could to get myself there. Oh, except make time. Everything and its dog was more important.

Now I have returned to stare down the cold hard blank screen of truth as I have so many times before and ask myself, why do I keep choosing to fail?

I currently work in retail and I am successful beyond the average. I have worked at eight different companies and aside from the first two, I have been promoted at every one. The only reason I left any was for a move or no room for advancement. I blame my best friend, who actually started me on the path. He and I push and compliment each other like brothers who grew up in different worlds. He is the book smart, down to the letter, engineer kind of guy with the enthusiasm for creativity but not always the common sense for certain things or situations. As for me, I suppose I am a self described street smart guy with a yearning for knowledge and adventure who if he had applied himself at school would have done considerably better. As a high achiever, my friend became a bar for which I began to judge my own success. If he managed to ace a test and I was close to him without studying, I was content. If he got promoted, I saw that as something I could do. Even our time at the gym was a bit rough on each other, whether we played badminton or worked out.

However this didn’t carry over into other things as we had parted ways for university. I do suspect things might be drastically different if he and I attended school together. Sadly this was not the case. You see I did Computer Science and followed that up with a 3D Animation Diploma, while he went Computer Engineering and into Law. That aside, I realised something while we were apart.

I am terrified to fail.

I saw him get promoted at the movie theatre and decided that he and I were of comparable skill and capabilities. I simply told myself, I can do that. Then I did it. Seeing him go through Engineering and Law, I believe I too could do both of those things. I don’t have an interest in Law but Computer Engineering could be extremely useful in the future with the rise of computing. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could do it.

Writing however differs from this. I have seen him try and write, create worlds and hand me stories to read. All in all, he is not considered a successful writer. This is where I believe my own mental block stems from, but not so much him. I have seen people have success in their writing, I have seen people get published and become best sellers with terrible grammar, horrible plots and empty characters. When I ask myself why can’t I get there, the answer is simple. I have not tried, because like all arts, it is up to interpretation. I am terrified that my dream of creating worlds and stories will come to a crashing end with a publisher simply stating that I am terrible. It is a hard truth, although I have been told this many times in my career in retail.

The issue is, this is intimate. Reading my story is meeting my imaginary friends, exploring my imaginary lands and eavesdropping on my daydreams. When someone walks in on you singing to yourself or dancing like no one is watching, you feel embarrassed. Imagine spending weeks, months or years even, only to have someone tell you that this dream of yours is absolute rubbish. I can fix anything I do at work, there is always a clear cut answer and most of the time my gut is right anyway. But for writing, something vague yet structured where creativity and order amid chaos somehow mingle together to achieve a solid state, I cannot find it in myself to fail. To fail this is to accept reality. I know that failing is merely another chance to revisit what you have done and fix it, but this is the one area I am beyond fragile in. This is my Achilles heel and I am just not sure as to how to overcome it.

Failing NaNoWriMo was devastating for me. I almost always achieve my goals, but life managed to over rule my every move on writing. I have been reading articles on overcoming failure and man are they spot on.

Signs of Fear of Failure
You might experience some of these symptoms if you have a fear of failure:

• A reluctance to try new things or get involved in challenging projects.
• Self-sabotage – for example, procrastination, excessive anxiety, or a failure to follow through with goals.
• Low self-esteem or self-confidence – Commonly using negative statements such as “I’ll never be good enough to get that promotion,” or “I’m not smart enough to get on that team.”
• Perfectionism – A willingness to try only those things that you know you’ll finish perfectly and successfully.

I’ll be damned. I feel that I definitely Self-Sabotage and I am a notorious Perfectionist. I suppose in regards to writing I lack the confidence, but I always try and challenge myself.

The only thing I apparently can do to help myself is think positively and plot out goals for my writing. Personally I would love to pick a successful writer’s brain on how to actually plan or how they came to some sort of organisation on planning characters and their interactions. For now, this has been a grand first step and hopefully I can continue this soon! I would love any feedback and if you can do me a huge favour, if you read this article, please share it. I would love any and all feedback in overcoming the fear of failure as well as any writing organisation and planning tips!