Today I sat down to write and realized I hadn’t done a blog post in a few weeks.

Or written in general.

Or read.

Ugh.

Every writer’s worst nightmare is not writing, and the worst part is we alone are to blame. My weekend started off with a simple errand turning into me figuring out how to change my tire. Never done it before and now it’s off the bucket list. Then I spent the remainder of my daytime hours detailing the bathroom. Then I just turned into a potato and kept the lounge company with the TV on.

The next day was work, but then I was looking forward to two days off. Yesterday was Game of Thrones day (we watched the latest episode at eleven and then again at seven) and tried to accomplish something before the day drew to a close. I accomplished a fantastic nap (I’m starting to feel old) and then came my second day off.

Boring right? Same thing for today. Just getting new tires, cleaning, preparing dinner and walking dogs. Now while they’re passed out behind me on the lounge, I finally feel like writing. That being said I still have my partner’s birthday to finish planning and my family’s visit to plan as well. Hard to believe I’m on holidays in less than three weeks, but I’m excited to show them around Australia!

As for my novels, there are tons of ideas I’ve jotted down and begun organizing. The thing I’m struggling with at the moment (aside from actual writing) is keeping my history bits short and sweet. I’m trying to build a world as deep as Middle Earth or Westeros and in doing so, creating many short stories and characters that have no weight in the main story but affect the world to what it is today. This world building is important for both the Jefferson Trilogy and its successor. Jefferson also helps flesh out many of the basic workings of magic for the sequel trilogy and my favorite part is how the magic evolves from the simple to the complexity I’ve begun exploring in the future.

I know this post may be boring to those of you out there writing your own novels, getting published and finding success, but I must say I appreciate those of you out there who are listening and take the time to stop by. I also write these posts to get my own writing engine started and warmed up for the ride ahead. Hopefully your projects are going well and I wish you all the best!

Writing comes easy for the most part; The words flow, and I smash them out. The story progresses. The muse is happy, I’m happy… we’re all happy.

Today? Today was not one of such days.

I have a new found appreciation for Tuesdays as they have become my regular day off. This new found appreciation has had some positive influence on my writing schedule, well… until today that is.

I loaded up the Macbook with every intention of writing. I swear it to the old gods and the new! The strangest part of it was while I watched the tiny battery bar at the top right slowly count down the life of my laptop (and subsequently my own life) nothing came to me. 100% seemed to last forever. 98%. 92%. 85%. I shut down the laptop and turned on some Rick & Morty. After two episodes I turned it off. It was still hilarious, but I didn’t feel like watching TV.

Seeking out my phone, I checked my emails, Facebook and Google News. Nothing had come through since I’d last checked. With a heavy sigh, I looked around. The whole day was ahead of me and I was going to waste it somehow. I stared at the piles of stuff that had come from nowhere. No order. No places for things.

Chaos.

My OCD went into overdrive. Suddenly as if my house were Lois Lane, I leapt into action like Superman… well, if he were a maid. With some Danko Jones blaring in the background, I took to my living room with the spray n wipe and some paper towel. I threw things out and decluttered some areas. I cleaned the kitchen again and then took the pups for a walk.

After getting back, I sank into the lounge and disappeared. The dogs climbed all over me until they fell asleep. I stared straight ahead at the ceiling, thinking about my story; Things I could cut out, things I could edit. I’ve been finding it hard to get as excited about writing lately because the path is so unclear. I write because I love it, but I want to become a published author and not spend a ton of money to make it happen. Some people recommend networking, others recommend going for an agent. Me? I have no idea. I’ve spent a ton of time researching how to get published, but it’s like two percent skill and the rest utter luck.

Problem is… I don’t gamble.

Even in retail, there are certainties. In my current position, as long as I continue to excel and keep my chin up no matter how tough or disappointing things get, I will get my own store someday. But this path to becoming a published author? I listen to the stories from so many successful authors about how many times they tried to get published and it’s hard not to think, “What the hell am I doing if it took them that long?” I mean, sure, it’s inspiring to hear how they never gave up. It’s also soul crushing. What if I’m not as good as them? To hear someone like Lovecraft wasn’t famous until after he died… well, that’s exactly what I don’t want. (Not that I’d know I suppose…)

This blog used to showcase my writing and now it feels more like a diary. I write how boring my day was and how hard writing is. I suppose it will be great for others to stumble upon if I get published or if I am published posthumously but lately it has just been frustrating. Especially considering I’m dealing with the same vague instructions in building a house.

There is little guidance in building a house. It comes down to a builder suggesting what you need and then you trying to figure out if that’s close to what you want or not. They leave out things which I expected to be included but that seems to be common practice. I don’t want any surprises! I want a list of things you need to have me build the house and have it perfect for me to move furniture into. It’s doing my head in because you hope there’s not going to be any further expenses.

The reality is, I’m bumbling along trying to enjoy it all and hoping my good fortune will see me through into being published. I really feel like there’s not as much opportunity to be published in Australia for my genre due to the companies that exist here… but hey, tomorrow’s a new day! All I can do is keep my head up and keep on writing!

Me in the Shower: Perfect Story Idea, Perfect Dialogue, Perfect Scene.

Me in the Car: Perfect Conflict, Perfect Back Story, Perfect Climax For Novel.

Me at the Computer: WURDZ R GOUD.

The mind of a writer is a fickle one. As I stood in the shower I began to come up with a scene, not for either of my novels (completed or current work) but a scene directly tied to both. Magic in my story, at its root, is forbidden and dark with a selfless and light side. This plays into many of the themes throughout my story which can be easily described as a cross between Harry Potter and Star Wars.

As the scene began to play out, characters took shape, dialogue whispered over the drumming of the shower and I decided to finish up in a hurry. The unlucky thing about being a writer is the distance from the bathroom to the laptop is an impossible distance to cross, well at least with anything of quality. By the time you arrive, the concept is a fleeting memory.

That being said, I’ve been growing more interested in George R.R. Martin’s World of Ice and Fire in regards to the fictional history of Westeros. It’s an incredible amount of detail into a story that may only take place within a few decades of time, but the whole world is much richer for it. I could only hope to achieve that level depth (but I am working on it).

As for actually doing some writing tonight… well, as you can probably tell, it’ll be note form only for now until I can flesh that scene back out and get my mojo back. If you hadn’t gathered that, let me give you a bit more insight into my mindset this evening. This post is clocking in at just over three hundred words… and took me an hour and a half to write.

Focus? What is that?

Distractions? I don’t- Hey the TV is on!

Looks like getting back into the habit will be a bit harder than expected, but I’ll get there. Eventually…

I just may not include this in my word count averages per hour…

Wish me luck!

Wow… 2016. What a way to start off.

I remember as I glanced back over my shoulder at the previous year, I chuckled. This year… This would be my year.

Fast forward to May.

As my birthday came and went, I had a brief moment of clarity. I hadn’t written a single thing since I reused an old draft for my singular post in February. This got me thinking I should probably make sure my laptop is still alive (spoiler: it is) and maybe do some writing.

I could blame my lack of writing on work. After all, stocktake for a manager during retail is a trying time and your routine gets all shot to hell. There are a few weeks of prep and then a week of mostly night shifts and then back into days with recounts. That would be a good reason. But no, that’s not it.

I could blame it on the surprise operation I had on my toe. After all, I was limping around like some sort of zombie and that took quite the toll. Also, not knowing I was about to have a surgery wasn’t exactly a pleasant surprise (I’m still not sure which pain was worse either). But no, that’s not it either.

I could blame it on building a house. Now there’s quite the task and the many smaller tasks that go with it. First off, I feel like 99% of building a house is bumbling around trying to find help and not get swindled out of your current and future life savings. This being an adult thing is hard. But no, that’s still not it!

I could blame it on the fact I finished a novel. Wait! That’s a good thing, isn’t it? It is, but it’s also hard to figure out what to do now. Every ounce of me wants to just put it online for people to see and start getting feedback but that world, my world, deserves better. Before sending it out, it’d be great to have an editor love it. That could definitely be it.

I could blame all of these things together. I could. I’m mentally exhausted. I’m physically worn down. I’m confused on building and writing. I stay positive no matter what happens at work. I invest my time into keeping my sanity.

No.

I haven’t written because I have made that choice.

Every day, since February, I have done nothing but zone out to the TV or play Pokemon (I did, however, Catch ’em all) because that was easier. The characters never stop pestering me. They try and entice me with magnificent tales and magic moments that fit directly into my story world at large. Characters plot against one another and conspire to overthrow governments while I shower. There have been times when I wonder if asylums are simply filled with writers who can’t ignore the voices.

I would love to say that today is the turning point. That today I will be the writer I want to be. But for now? I’m still exhausted mentally. I’m emotionally worn down. My mind is trying to figure out this bloody building tender. My first novel begs to be published and I’ve no idea where to start.

As a realist, I need to figure out this house thing first. Secondly, I need to survive until my family comes to visit in July. Thirdly, I need to get back into the habit of writing.

Well… at least I’ve got a start on one thing!