Writing comes easy for the most part; The words flow, and I smash them out. The story progresses. The muse is happy, I’m happy… we’re all happy.
Today? Today was not one of such days.
I have a new found appreciation for Tuesdays as they have become my regular day off. This new found appreciation has had some positive influence on my writing schedule, well… until today that is.
I loaded up the Macbook with every intention of writing. I swear it to the old gods and the new! The strangest part of it was while I watched the tiny battery bar at the top right slowly count down the life of my laptop (and subsequently my own life) nothing came to me. 100% seemed to last forever. 98%. 92%. 85%. I shut down the laptop and turned on some Rick & Morty. After two episodes I turned it off. It was still hilarious, but I didn’t feel like watching TV.
Seeking out my phone, I checked my emails, Facebook and Google News. Nothing had come through since I’d last checked. With a heavy sigh, I looked around. The whole day was ahead of me and I was going to waste it somehow. I stared at the piles of stuff that had come from nowhere. No order. No places for things.
Chaos.
My OCD went into overdrive. Suddenly as if my house were Lois Lane, I leapt into action like Superman… well, if he were a maid. With some Danko Jones blaring in the background, I took to my living room with the spray n wipe and some paper towel. I threw things out and decluttered some areas. I cleaned the kitchen again and then took the pups for a walk.
After getting back, I sank into the lounge and disappeared. The dogs climbed all over me until they fell asleep. I stared straight ahead at the ceiling, thinking about my story; Things I could cut out, things I could edit. I’ve been finding it hard to get as excited about writing lately because the path is so unclear. I write because I love it, but I want to become a published author and not spend a ton of money to make it happen. Some people recommend networking, others recommend going for an agent. Me? I have no idea. I’ve spent a ton of time researching how to get published, but it’s like two percent skill and the rest utter luck.
Problem is… I don’t gamble.
Even in retail, there are certainties. In my current position, as long as I continue to excel and keep my chin up no matter how tough or disappointing things get, I will get my own store someday. But this path to becoming a published author? I listen to the stories from so many successful authors about how many times they tried to get published and it’s hard not to think, “What the hell am I doing if it took them that long?” I mean, sure, it’s inspiring to hear how they never gave up. It’s also soul crushing. What if I’m not as good as them? To hear someone like Lovecraft wasn’t famous until after he died… well, that’s exactly what I don’t want. (Not that I’d know I suppose…)
This blog used to showcase my writing and now it feels more like a diary. I write how boring my day was and how hard writing is. I suppose it will be great for others to stumble upon if I get published or if I am published posthumously but lately it has just been frustrating. Especially considering I’m dealing with the same vague instructions in building a house.
There is little guidance in building a house. It comes down to a builder suggesting what you need and then you trying to figure out if that’s close to what you want or not. They leave out things which I expected to be included but that seems to be common practice. I don’t want any surprises! I want a list of things you need to have me build the house and have it perfect for me to move furniture into. It’s doing my head in because you hope there’s not going to be any further expenses.
The reality is, I’m bumbling along trying to enjoy it all and hoping my good fortune will see me through into being published. I really feel like there’s not as much opportunity to be published in Australia for my genre due to the companies that exist here… but hey, tomorrow’s a new day! All I can do is keep my head up and keep on writing!