Thirty.

Number of years in my life. Most likely also the number of words I have written towards any story yet this year.

This year has been up and down and then all around town. Where to even begin?

If we start in January, I had just survived Christmas in retail. Then two members of my family passed away relatively quickly. My Mom’s step mother passed away, fortunately I visited her last year, and then my uncle’s brother died. A store management position in my local area became available, which seemed like a chance at possibly being promoted for me. Then the company underwent some restructuring and a regional manager type was placed into that store. Good times.

More extended family members passed away between January and April until an Aunt of mine passed away from a stroke. I think when we tallied it up, it was altogether somewhere around six deaths up to this point. Some of them I hadn’t seen in a long time, some seemed like forever ago… but two of them I had definitely seen not even six months ago. Being a few thousand kilometres away, or the other side of the world in my case, I grieved in my own way. It sucks, but when my father passed away four years ago, well… everything else doesn’t seem as bad… as rude as that may seem.

During all of this, my partner and I apply for the ability to purchase land. I am one of the lucky few who gets in for an appointment. We are looking for a block of land over six hundred square meters and luckily we have ten to choose from. We opt for the biggest at over seven hundred square meters and it appears no one wants it. Fantastic! Upon our arrival for our appointment we check the available land board only to see all but one block that we wanted had been purchased. Well… that was until appointment before us purchases that final block. Of course. I thought we were in with a chance, but nope. Shouldn’t have raised my hopes.

May began and I hadn’t written a thing. Nothing creative at least. A few days in my great uncle passed away whose family my Mom was particularly close to and here I sit on the other side of the world. Part of me wants to run back home and make sure everything is not as bad as it seems but as a rational person I can’t run home every time extended family pass away. It’s hard but the cost keeps the guilt at bay. At least people understand that I can’t rush back for everything, which is good. A management position becomes available (one I had been promoted from) and suddenly our third manager is sent to fill the role with no one to replace him. Two managers… stocktake on the way… my holidays fading into the distance…

Before I know it, I’m thirty, and preparing for stocktake in retail yet again. Another store management position comes up for application rather quickly and I feel good about my chances and revamp my resume for consideration. The position fades before anything goes to interview and the hope I had is crushed mercilessly. Worse yet, I called who was going to get it long before that even seemed an option. I hold no grudges. After all, I will soldier on, worse things have happened this year and I still have my job to do. Keep focused and keep plugging along, my time will come.

Stocktake comes and goes, we do well with only two managers and despite my overwhelming exhaustion, I can’t complain. My boss did two fifteen hour days in a row. He’s quite the champion! As for me, I feel extremely frustrated and unfocused. It could be that everything is just snowballing or it could be that I’m just tired. I’m not frustrated at my job, these things happen. I’m not frustrated at life, those things happen. But what could be frustrating?

Well… my confession is that this year I haven’t made time to write. It is one of my greatest passions, but also one of my most difficult. I love writing more than food (and if you know me, that is one hell of a lot) and I love the release I get when a scene comes together or a story is completed. However because I haven’t had the mental focus or the drive to write, I sit mindlessly and play video games. Good ones though! Seriously though… here’s my year so far.

• PS4 Diablo 3 – Over one hundred hours.
• PS4 Dragonball Xenoverse – Just over ninety hours.
• PS4 Dragon Age: Inquisition – Over one hundred and thirty hours.
• 3DS Pokemon Alpha Sapphire – Over sixty hours.
• 3DS Pokemon Y – Forty hours.

I also just bought the new Witcher game which looks all kinds of awesome and is boasting over two hundred hours of gameplay. Not to mention the games I have preordered and the games I still haven’t played that I own, nor the games that lie within the palm of my hand on my iPhone.

Let’s do some quick math!

If I work forty hours a week, from the beginning of the year to now would be roughly forty by twenty weeks (or one hundred and forty four days), which works out to eight hundred hours. So I have played at least half of the time I have worked. Now considering I’m supposed to sleep eight hours a night… that’s another one thousand, one hundred and fifty two unavailable hours. So… one hundred and forty four days by twenty four hours works out to be over three thousand! Now take away the above numbers… it should leave me around fifteen hundred hours. Now take away the gaming… eleven hundred hours minus cleaning of all sorts, down to one thousand… not to mention social commitments and dog owner responsibilities… let’s say down to eight hundred. So now it comes down to I am missing the productivity of at least five hours a day. I watch a lot of TV. A lot. All the shows are so nerdy… I feel like they’re holding me back, but also so satisfying (The Flash, am I right?!).

Soooo. Tonight, instead of playing Diablo… I’m here writing a new post. Instead of writing fiction, I’m sulking. Instead of editing, well… I’m cowering from that, why sugar coat it?

Oh, to answer the question of what’s frustrating me? I know the answer, and you might too.

It’s me.

I’m the only one who can make the time and the only one who can take the time. I’ve been contemplating selling all of my consoles and leaving myself the time to write once again, or setting aside time to write every single day and committing to it regardless of those around me (which will make me Captain Popularity). I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaking out because I’m thirty or maybe it’s because I’m tired.

Either way, something’s got to give… most likely sooner rather than later.

Hopefully everyone’s writing is going swell out there, it seems awfully quiet in the Blogosphere. Touch base! Be my inspiration! Or come wallow in the shame of not writing with me!