Wow, time flies when you’re having fun. It is October, my book has stalemated at over 80000 words and I stare into the dimly lit corners of my room searching for answers. Have I failed? Not by any means, 80000 is huge. Have I let myself down? Absolutely. Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, so as far as I’m concerned, I’m not even close.

The issue isn’t time. The issue isn’t work. The issue isn’t even that I’ve lost interest.

The issue is… I’m terrified to fail.

I’ve definitely failed before. This wouldn’t be a first, nor a second. This wouldn’t even be a tenth (University was hard while working two jobs… Alright?). This is a different kind of failure. One that someone at work nailed right on the head.

Writing isn’t just what I’m passionate about. I’m passionate about video games. I’m passionate about work. But I have a level with writing I am terrified to share. It’s more intimate than what’s beneath the clothes, it’s more intimate than what makes me cry. It’s at it’s very essence my dreams, beliefs; My imaginary moments where I am fighting the hordes of hell alone; My heroisms and my faults. It is the Hyde to my Jeckyl, the Good to my Evil, The sociopath to my extrovert. It is everything I can be, everything I want to be and everything I am all in one.

It terrifies me.

Deep stuff, right? Not really. I have a hundred ideas a day. Some of them are stories, some of them are gadgets and inventions, some of them are songs. My mind wanders nameless and faceless through the wasteland of creativity and steps over the Ideas, forgotten and discarded.

I stare at my story once a day. It is the home screen on Chrome across all my devices. Everyday I stare blankly into the words of my story as it beckons for an end. It could be a quick end, painless… Happily ever after. At this point it beckons to me, simply to finish it… Even if it takes another month.

Perhaps I will give in. Perhaps I will finish it and attempt to get it published. For now, baby steps. This is the first step.

This is a return to discipline, a return to writing.

My favorite quote as of late gives me chills every time I hear it and it is fittingly for the PS4.

“Who are you to deny greatness? If you deny it to yourself, you deny it to the entire world… And we won’t be denied.”